Here Again

Well I've arrived here again. Lost and lonely. How is that possible? Every other day it seems, I'm here, in this special place. Maybe that says something and I'm too dumb to hear it. Maybe, the one time I should listen, should analyze and should think, I just...don't? Maybe I'd just rather waste my time typing this blog post? I don't know.


I sit alone, shouldn't have eaten, cause my stomach is in a knot, feeling uneasy, as his moods change, and his attitude worsens, and his snide comments grow less snide and more direct. I get sicker and sicker to my stomach. I want to go home, but there is no home anywhere for me. I'm lost and alone. I'm a failure, at everything I try. Why oh why?

I feel like a child again, when my dad would get mad and scream and yell and I'd hide under my bed begging God for him to stop and just be nice again. I'd pretend under my bed was another world. Oh how I wish it were. Is God trying to tell me something? Why am I the brunt of this? Why am I the one, even when I did nothing wrong, am I being punished? That's how it feels, for what its worth.

I realized today I'm an adult and can't take care of myself. I can't function properly. I'm a wreck. Or maybe I can function, just not very well. But it was clear to me today, that all I have ever really tried at has been f*cked up somehow and I never really A'ced the tests. Isn't it wonderful to have someone tell you that about yourself? I guess women really do marry men like their fathers.