Quotes That Made Me Laugh...for One Reason or The Other...

Here we are at the 21st century, but where's the world of the future we were always told about? Where are the flying cars? Where are the robots doing our housework? Where are the people zippingaround in jetpacks? I'm sorry, but clapping my lights on and off doesn't cut it.
-radio advertisement

Walls for the wind,
a roof for the rain
and tea beside the fire.
Laughter to cheer you,
those you love near you
and all that your heart might desire.
-Irish Blessing

May you live a thousand years, and I, one day less, so that I might never know the world without the pleasure of your company.
-Hungarian wedding toast

Danny: Sir, I love your daughter and I want to marry her. That's why I'm calling.
Jack: First of all, Danny, the truth is this is just a courtesy call. Like when you say to your neighbor, "We're having a loud party on Saturday night if that's all right with you." What you really mean is, "We're having a loud party on Saturday night."
Danny: Mr. Bristow -
Jack: Sydney doesn't give a damn what my opinion is. What interests me is that you do.
Danny: It's just a custom to call the father, that's all this is.
Jack: Well, then, I'll tell you what. I may become your father-in-law, that's just fine. But I will not be used as part of a charming little anecdote you tell your friends at cocktail parties so they can see what a quaint, old-fashioned guy Danny really is. Are we clear?
Danny: Yes, sir.
Jack: Good. Then welcome to the family.
- Alias

~Family Quotes~
Michael Corleone: That's my family, Kay. It's not me.

George Bailey: You call this a happy family? Why do we have to have all these kids?

Greg: Dharma, I love your family very much. But my father is going to bludgeon your father to death with a brick, and I'm going to let him.

Kitty Forman: Red's mother is coming.
Midge Pinciotti: What's that pet name she has for you?
Kitty Forman: Whore.

Ally (to a stranger who bumped into her): Hey, no don't say you're sorry when you're not sorry, you didn't even look up and see who you bumped into. What if I was an old lady? I could have fallen down and broken a hip. I could be lying on my back in some HMO, my lungs filling up with phlegm till I'm on life support draining my family of every last cent of their inheritance while I, I asphyxiate on my own dried mucous, no don't say you're sorry when you're not sorry.

Clark: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.
-Christmas Vacation

Cosmo: There I was in prison. And one day I help a couple of older gentlemen make some free telephone calls. They turn out to be, let us say, good family men.
Martin Bishop: Organized crime?
Cosmo: Hah. Don't kid yourself. It's not that organized.

Al Capone: I want this guy dead! I want his family dead! I want his house burned to the ground! I want to go there in the middle of the night and piss on his ashes!

But the problem is that when I go around and speak on campuses, I still don't get young men standing up and saying, 'How can I combine career and family?'
-Gertrude Stein