As I Write My Name

"G-E-NN-A-, Fid-dare-rri-ohh"

I say it under my breath as I write my name. Then I pause, after I dot my two lovely i s, my palms get sweaty. How long is it really going to be me? What am I down to now... 3 months exactly, today. My Wedding.

As I prepare for my wedding, my marriage (God it sounds BIG when I say it like that), my new life, I ask myself this. I am not one of those girls that dreamed of being someone else. I liked myself, I liked my name. I am proud of it. Not only for who else shares it, but what I have done to contribute to it. I have "lived up" so to speak. But now I'm going to be someone else, and that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. How am I going to merge the Genna I see in my head into the "new Genna"?

Is this a problem other women have as they leave the MISS and become the MRS?

I have tried to find comfort on the internet. I have looked for articles written by other women like myself. Is it conceit to like your name, and like the identity it is? Do I have to be a Dr. or a Lawyer to oppose changing it?

But I am going to change my name...I am! All I'm asking for is a little grace period here, can I stick my feet in the water first? But as I'm learning, with getting married thingy, you have to dive in head first, there is no baby pool. This isn't for the weak, or the faint of heart. I'm not opposed to changing my name, but please god, not my identity. Don't let me be one of those asshole girls who proudly spout their new name, as if it is a badge of honor, of importance, as if they did anything to earn it, deserve it, or be it. Cause I'm a Fiderio, born and raised and if I had a brother who married some girl and she walked around and flashed her surname like a pompous self righteous bitch I'd say something very scathing and mean to her. I'd say something like,

"who the fuck do you think you are bitch, back up, you don't deserve this name, this name has weight to it. It isn't flimsy or a facade. There is a lot here to back this up, you better learn..."

Thank god I don't have a brother... who has a wife... it could get messy. After all, I'd always feel that she didn't deserve that name -my name, my fathers name, my father's father's name and don't forget his father's father's name... and as I wrote out x-mas cards each year, anger would burn deep within, like a candle flame, building up deep in my heart. (I am being a little dramatic now) but you see my point.

So, as I become a Mrs. I will take the name with caution, with reverence, with understanding that it is not mine, but it has been given to me, with all the love in his heart. Because that is how he is intending it, and I know that. We are becoming a family. He, who as a only a man can do, will give me a name, his name. Just as my father did on the day I was born and as he did on the day he married my mother. It is an eternal gift that I can not run away from.

It is not I who make these worldly rules, I don't pretend to be above them either, I will take his name because I will be his wife. And if I have to question it, then maybe I don't deserve it. Cause there could be a sister, who carried the name for 27 years just like me, who would take offense to my concerns, as if I think I'm better. So I take this gift in the manner it was intended, and promise to stop reading into it so much, and be proud to be given a gift even if I didn't get to pick it out myself beforehand.