As I Write My Name

"G-E-NN-A-, Fid-dare-rri-ohh"

I say it under my breath as I write my name. Then I pause, after I dot my two lovely i s, my palms get sweaty. How long is it really going to be me? What am I down to now... 3 months exactly, today. My Wedding.

As I prepare for my wedding, my marriage (God it sounds BIG when I say it like that), my new life, I ask myself this. I am not one of those girls that dreamed of being someone else. I liked myself, I liked my name. I am proud of it. Not only for who else shares it, but what I have done to contribute to it. I have "lived up" so to speak. But now I'm going to be someone else, and that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. How am I going to merge the Genna I see in my head into the "new Genna"?

Is this a problem other women have as they leave the MISS and become the MRS?

I have tried to find comfort on the internet. I have looked for articles written by other women like myself. Is it conceit to like your name, and like the identity it is? Do I have to be a Dr. or a Lawyer to oppose changing it?

But I am going to change my name...I am! All I'm asking for is a little grace period here, can I stick my feet in the water first? But as I'm learning, with getting married thingy, you have to dive in head first, there is no baby pool. This isn't for the weak, or the faint of heart. I'm not opposed to changing my name, but please god, not my identity. Don't let me be one of those asshole girls who proudly spout their new name, as if it is a badge of honor, of importance, as if they did anything to earn it, deserve it, or be it. Cause I'm a Fiderio, born and raised and if I had a brother who married some girl and she walked around and flashed her surname like a pompous self righteous bitch I'd say something very scathing and mean to her. I'd say something like,

"who the fuck do you think you are bitch, back up, you don't deserve this name, this name has weight to it. It isn't flimsy or a facade. There is a lot here to back this up, you better learn..."

Thank god I don't have a brother... who has a wife... it could get messy. After all, I'd always feel that she didn't deserve that name -my name, my fathers name, my father's father's name and don't forget his father's father's name... and as I wrote out x-mas cards each year, anger would burn deep within, like a candle flame, building up deep in my heart. (I am being a little dramatic now) but you see my point.

So, as I become a Mrs. I will take the name with caution, with reverence, with understanding that it is not mine, but it has been given to me, with all the love in his heart. Because that is how he is intending it, and I know that. We are becoming a family. He, who as a only a man can do, will give me a name, his name. Just as my father did on the day I was born and as he did on the day he married my mother. It is an eternal gift that I can not run away from.

It is not I who make these worldly rules, I don't pretend to be above them either, I will take his name because I will be his wife. And if I have to question it, then maybe I don't deserve it. Cause there could be a sister, who carried the name for 27 years just like me, who would take offense to my concerns, as if I think I'm better. So I take this gift in the manner it was intended, and promise to stop reading into it so much, and be proud to be given a gift even if I didn't get to pick it out myself beforehand.

Power Trip

Anyone YOU know on a power trip?

Sounds stupid doesn't it? I'm too old to worry about it anyway, but I am one of those females who feathers are ruffled quite easily anyhow. I have never been the type to jump up when someone calls my name. -I'm Slow. Never been the type to let a pecking order keep me in check. -Oh Plez. Never been the type to respect just because. But I do care about others feelings, despite what my mother and sister say, I have a heart. And I pride myself on keeping my word, doing what I say I will do. But guess what? Shit comes up.


So when I hear that so and so is mad at me for some perceived wrong I did, by not listening to specific instructions (for non job related directions) my feathers certainly get ruffled. I'm miffted -to say it nicely. Its all about keeping ME in check. All about making sure I KNOW that I must do as they say I must do or else... Its all about making a point to get everyone all up in arms, about THEM.

I don't play that game -never being a sporty girl and all. Anyone who knows me knows I don't kindly take direction from other people and I don't take kindly to threats -implied or otherwise. Let all the others U wield your power over, move and shake at your latest earthquake. I'll be at home.

Jem, Truly Outrageous

Remember Jem, from the days of Barbie and the Rockers? She was her kinda generic, bigger counterpart that never fit in my barbie cars, who was also a "rocker". Well I had her. I think I got it for a birthday present or something...but that's not the point. My sister and I played with her with our barbies, but we made her like a giant who was completely weird. -Yes we had very active imaginations...

I can still here her theme song for her cartoon

"Jem, Jem Truly Outrageous Jem!"

Anyways, my new word Gem, came to me this morning as my mother told me that so & so called. I said, with out thinking of course, "oh isn't SHE a Gem, cause she's truly outrageous" pulled from the vast resources of my excellent memory where I store all of my childhood facts and figures that I believe I will somehow use again...one day...

My new word -Gem- goes on my vast list of words, I and those few select people who "get me", use to refer to people so they don't know we talking about them.

File that one in the dictionary of Genna's Linguistics, known for its ohhh sooo subtle mix of real and made up words that can be used to refer to just about any person from any & all walks of life. I pride myself on that. :)